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Maybe you need a hand with losing weight or the “getting more fit business.” Maybe you need someone to step in and administer a little tough love when you’re feeling off your game. Well, if that’s the case… then here’s what I’m prepared to do on your behalf…

  • There’s a 93% chance that every cupcake you come across will have already had the top pre-licked by me.
  • I throw a lawn dart at your foot every time you open a bag of chips.
  • Every time you put money into a vending machine, I run up from behind and punch the number for “Bit ‘0 Honey.”
  • I flush a Pillow Pal down your toilet whenever you go three days without working out.
  • Whenever you order fried food, I make an obscene phone call to your mom.
  • When you order popcorn at the movies, I key up your car in the parking lot.
  • Every time you go out for drinks with your coworkers, I’ll be back at your place letting my dog whiz on your carpet.
  • If you eat in the car, I repeatedly kick your seat from the back with both feet.
  • Whenever you skip a workout, I put an ad on craigslist saying that you pay top dollar for used buckets of paint and old batteries.
  • Every time you drink too much, I make a donation in your name to an organization that goes around and slaps homeless people.
  • I fix your TV so that every time you eat in front of it, all it will show is old reruns of “Matlock.”
  • When you stay up late goofing off on computer instead of getting a good night’s sleep, I send you a virus that changes your screensaver into a snapshot from my last colonoscopy.
  • Every time you salt your food without tasting it first, I hack your Facebook account and send friend requests to 100 prison inmates.
  • Every time you skip breakfast, I leave a voicemail with me talking baby talk for five minutes.
  • Whenever you pull into the drive-thru lane of a fast-food restaurant, I yodel a medley of cowboy songs from the backseat.
  • Every time you stop by a Starbucks, I’ll arrange it that you drastically overpay for a cup of coffee.

Is that enough motivation for ya?

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